How to Stop Yelling at Your Kids

I yell at my kids.

I used to think this was normal. I used to think that, as father, I was entitled to a wider margin for volume, that I was allowed to turn it up to 11, that yelling at my kids was my right.

But one day, one of my kids rolled their eyes while I was yelling something like WHERE IS THE REMOTE! I SWEAR TO GOD I'M PUTTING IT ON A CHAIN! and my daughter asks me the following: how would you react if one of your friends yelled at us like that?

Well, that floored me. Shut me up tight. How would I react? I'd stop them in their tracks. I'd tell them my kids aren't there for them to yell at. I'd ask them, you don't yell at adults like that do you? I'd tell them they'd better behave themselves or . . .

Oh.

She was right. I'd never let another adult yell at them like that. In fact, I'd had to square off with a couple of grown-ups for that very reason, and I told them in no uncertain terms they could yell at my kids or pick up their teeth. So why in the hell do I think it's ok for me?

Well, it's not. It's not ok to yell at your kids. Words are mighty powerful things. To believe they are invisible, puffs of air, and without physical force is to misunderstand language. You don't yell only with words, you yell with your entire body. [pullquote]Imagine a person twice your size leaning over you with a face twisted in anger and threat, body bent with fury, telling you you're an idiot and you'd better not do it again (whatever it was you did, which may not be clear).[/pullquote]You yell with the look on your face. You yell with the words you choose. You yell with your size. You yell with the power of your authority. All of these things come into to play when you yell at your kids. Your yelling is a blunt force that does real, measurable harm.

Imagine a person twice your size leaning over you with a face twisted in anger and threat, body bent with fury, telling you you're an idiot and you'd better not do it again (whatever it was you did, which may not be clear). It's scary.

Of course, not every yell is so dramatic or terrifying. Most times, a parent is yelling as a matter of course and doesn't even think of what they're doing as out of line. They don't think of it as abuse.

But it is.

Think about your job. You're boss doesn't yell at you (much), you don't yell at the copy guy or the UPS guy or your fellow wage slaves. Why? Well, because it's considered unacceptable. You can get fired. And because human resources science has determined that it is an abuse of power and equality.

But here's the thing. People at work are watching you There's a reporting chain. You can get in trouble. But there's no HR at home. There's no one to look at you like you've lost your mind. There's no one to write you up.

This all became suddenly and embarrassingly clear to me when my girl pointed out that I was being a titanic asshole and a hypocrite when I yelled. And it stung me when she called me on it with such precision. I made a promise to stop, right there.

I have not been perfect. I've slipped. I've backslid. But I am on the road to recovery, I am yelling 99 percent less than I ever did before by employing the absurd.

I decided that every time anyone yelled in this house, the person they yelled at gets to call them on it once. If the person yells again, the yellee gets to wet willy them for 5 full seconds. If they yell a third time (in the same day) they get 20 seconds.

This sounds ridiculous, but if you commit to it, it works like magic. If you don't know what a wet willy is, you don't have kids. For your edification:

willy, wet, n, wet wil' li, UK; the action of placing one's index finger into one's mouth then placing it into another person's ear.

It works for a couple of reasons:

1. Because you have decided that you MUST stop yelling at your kids.


2. Because your kids WANT you to stop.


3. Because it defeats self-importance with absurdity and mild embarrassment


4. Because your kids think it's HILARIOUS and will be just waiting for it.


5. Because having your kids stick his spit slick finger in your ear is disgusting and you WILL NOT WANT IT TO HAPPEN TWICE.


6. It teaches you humility.

I promise you it works.  This principal of defeating stupid asshat parenting habits with absurdity is highly effective and can be applied to other bad parenting habits as well. It is, in fact, the founding principal of my own new parenting philosophy, the Wet Willy Way, a new advice series beginning here at Death By Children.

And it's important for another reason: your kids love you. This is true. They want so much for you to be the greatest, most amazing parent ever. By eroding the facade of self-importance and false authority some parents build for themselves, you allow your kids to love you more, to trust you more, to fear you less or, hopefully, not at all. You remove threat from the relationship and trust me, you don't need it. Most importantly, as silly as it sounds, the Wet Willy Way is an invaluable tool—humor—in developing a real, joyous relationship based on trust.

Learn THE WET WILLY WAY

The Wet Willy Way

Death by Children is committed to supporting only the highest standards in parenting techniques. We are especially devoted to methods of parenting that embody joy, love, and laughter, as well as promoting the idea to every parent that their children are not a burden, but a gift. We also tell fart jokes.

WWW Technique #001: The Wet Willy

This technique is designed to teach the parent to stop yelling, to relieve the children of the tension caused by yelling, and finally, to resolve the overall tension through laughter.

Rules:

When someone yells in anger, they must immediately allow the person they have yelled at to stick their spit-slick fingers into their ears for five seconds. They cannot refuse. Repeated offenses double the wet willy time.

Actions:

Upon yelling:

1. The yellee (and anyone else) cries WET WILLY!


2. The yellee must stick their fingers into their mouth with a wicked, perverse, slow drama, making a lot of squishy noises as they swish their saliva around their fingers.


3. The yeller takes a seat at the kitchen table, arms crossed, head held high.


4. All present gather round.


5. The yellee removes their fingers from their mouth and places them in both the yellee's ears.


6. All present count loudly to five.


7. The yellee promptly removes fingers.

Why it works

It relieves tension: Yelling creates tension and stress by engaging the fight or flight response. Everyone involved is engaged in this response. The person yelling is probably fighting, the person being yelled would probably love to fly away, as do the the people witnessing the yelling. This tension must be resolved for everyone to get back to enjoying themselves and being happy. Most techniques of relieving tension are academic or somewhat complicated. But laughter and absurdity eliminate tension instantly.

It realigns the parent's authority: your authority does not come as some kind of birth right. You earn your authority over your children by treating them with respect and, therefore, gaining their trust. By submitting to a ridiculous action, letting your child stick their wet fingers into your ears, you are communicating to them that you know you overstepped their trust and respect and that you are willing to earn it back.

It shows respect: allowing them to stick their fingers in your ears puts them into a position of authority over you. By respecting that authority, by submitting to this silliness, you show them you mean what you say and you respect them enough to keep your word.

It defeats arrogance with humility: yelling at your children is the height of arrogance. You are, in effect, treating them as if they don't matter, with disregard, as subjects over whom you rule. This point of view is kind of hard to defend when they've got their spitty fingers in your ears.

It teaches self-worth: because you are showing humble respect, you communicate to them that they are worth this effort, this humiliation, this silly moment. You teach them that they do not have to submit to abuse and should never do so.