13 Things on Thursday to be Thankful For

1. My Wife (yes, you should be thankful too)


2. My Son, Sasquatch.


3. My daughter, Rah.


4. My mom.


5. My sister.


6. Dave Haynes


7. Chef Efrain Cuevas


8. Chef Lauren Parton


9. My new skill: making pork rinds from scratch


10. Tits (why lie?)


11. Vincent Price


12. The internet


13. My gay dog Ty.

13 Things about Sasquatch I Wish Were Myths

 

1. Aspires to be as swift as a three-toed tree sloth

2. Poops footballs

3. Openly asscrackian

4. Constantly under attack from his own hair

5. Parks his shoes in the foyer instead of the garage where they would fit

6. Watches Intervention and Hoarders like he's taking notes

7. Say what?—chicken butt! joke is turning me psychotic

8. Thinks vegetarianism is all grilled cheese sandwiches and pizza-not actual vegetables

9. Believes the internet is an encyclopedia

10. Thinks he's irish

11. Accomplished Loomer

12. The farting. Must. Stop.

13. Keeps patting me on the head, saying: "you're adorable"

 

13 Things on Thursday my Kids Will Never Think About in Their Future

1. Atlases.


2. Faxes.


3. Pay Phones.


4. Film.


5. Walkie Talkies.


6. Libraries.


7. Newspapers.


8. Mail.


9. Catalogues.


10. Being lost.


11. Cheap gas.


12. Hippies.


13. Osama Bin Laden.

13 Things you don't want to hear while teaching your kid how to drive.

1. I learned this in BurnOut 4 . . .


2. I learned this in Grand Theft Auto . . .


3. I saw this in the Fast ad the Furious . . .


4. I learned this from mom . . .


5. What does this do?


6. &^%$#@!


7. I filled up with Diesel cause it's good for the environment.


8. I learned this from Wile E. Coyote . . .


9. How soon can I drift?


10. How many points for a dentist?


11. God, I'm so sleepy . . .


12. I could fit like seven girls in this car.


13. I could fit like seven boys in this car.

Thirteen Things You Can Do With Google CHROME GOOGLE CHROME

1. GOOGLE CHROME CURES CANCER!
   
2. GOOGLE CHROME FINDS AND REPLACES THIRD NIPPLES!
3. GOOGLE CHROME DISTRACTS LIBERALS SO THE GOP CAN NUKE KANSAS!
4. GOOGLE CHROME WILL HELP YOU TRAVEL IN TIME!
5. GOOGLE CHROME HELPS YOU GROW A THICKER, RICHER HEAD OF HAIR!
6. GOOGLE CHROME EXPLAINS ORIGIN OF UNIVERSE IN COOL DR. SEUSS STYLE RAP!
7. GOOGLE CHROME LOWERS GAS PRICES!
8. GOOGLE CHROME MAKES YOU TALK LIKE SEAN CONNERY!
9. GOOGLE CHROME PROTECTS TRAILERS FROM TORNADOES!
10. GOOGLE CHROME MAKES MS VISTA WORK!
11. GOOGLE CHROME MAKES GOOGLE CHROME WORK AS WELL AS GOOGLE CHROME!
12. GOOGLE CHROME WILL ABSORB ALL THE OTHER PROGRAMS ON YOUR COMPUTER AND TURN THEM INTO GOOGLE CHROME ADD-ONS!
13. GOOGLE CHROME GOOGLE CHROME GOOGLE CHROME GOOGLE CHROME!
    

13 Things on Thursday I Could Have Been Doing Besides Standing In Line at the Doctor's Office With a Jug of My Daughter's Urine

1. Anything else.


2. Taking over Leichtenstein.


3. Learning how to spell Liechtenstein.


4. Smuggling ocelots.


5. Growing an elaborate beard.


6. Learning conversational Greek.


7. Pimping out a smart car.


8. Worrying about the economy (oh wait, I did that).


9. Shaving highly literate quotes into my sideburns.


10. Fixing the grammar on local produce center window signs (pickle's 88 cent's!)


11. Yo quieroing my taco bell.


12. Snake dancing on a black volcanic beach in the Maldives.


13. Getting some flash added on to my grill.

13 New Countries Just Added to Epcot

1. Tursjikstan (fun to spell.)


2. Lithuania (actual size.)


3. Darfur (every 20 minutes a mechanical Bono sings "We Are The World".)


4. California (Move the Terminator ride here)


5. Cuba (So we can all smoke good cigars. Accessible only by raft.)


6. Russia (just a bunch of mean looking dudes in leather coats staring at you out the passenger window of a black Hummer.)


7. Wales (Teaching the English how to be English since 1103.)


8. St. Kitts & Nevis (because it would confuse the hell out of England.)


9. Cote d'lvoire (You need to have at least one Gay country.)


10. New Orleans (they have the best water ride.)


11. Djibouti (their dance club motto: Shake Your Booty in Djibouti!)


12. Belarus (Cause where else will the aliens go to land?)


13. Ireland (Like on Mission to Mars, you pick the green side or the orange side and one of them makes you throw up).

Thursday's 13 Things That New Scout Merit Badges Should Cover

1. Family Guy Trivia Merit Badge


2. Talk Like Cartman Merit Badge


3. Cut Your Finger While Carving Boobs into the Picnic Table Merit Badge


4. Cry Like a Girl Because You're Scared of a Daddy Long Legs Merit Badge


5. "This Lake has Awesome Graphics," Merit Badge


6. "Does Our Tent Have WiFi?" Merit Badge


7. Sink Your Canoe on Purpose Merit Badge


8. Kick Your Senior Patrol Leader in the Balls Merit Badge


9. Drink a 32 Oz. Chocolate/Watermelon/Mocha Shake Then Puke All Night Merit Badge


10. Hold Your Poop Seven Days Merit Badge


11. Texas Hold 'Em Merit Badge


12. Secret Backwoods Private Club Start-Up Merit Badge


13. Saying "Camp Sucks," So Much It Is Statistically Improbable Championship High Score Merit Badge

13 ways to say "My Cousin Marge is Visiting"

1. Rampaging Orc Horde.


2. Pierre is in Town.


3. Crimson Tide.


4. Monsoon Wedding.


5. Mighty Mighty Bosstone.


6. My Little Hula Girl is Playing Ragtime.


7. Punctuation Marks.


8. SHUT UP! JESUS! CAN'T YOU, JUST--GOD! I HATE YOU! GIMME A CIGARETTE!


9. I LOVE YOU!


10. SHUT UP!


11. I'm working on my ribs sauce.


12. You don't love me any more!


13. Mommy's special time (hide the knives . . . )

------

13 Things on Thursday Thouroughly Athenticating that the Terminally Stoned Have Finally Found the Internet, Dude!

1. They've posted their favorite arts & crafts projects.
2. They've taken up farming and are reporting their successes (hint--that ain't no monkey daddy)
3. They're publishing their insane hippy ideals as progressive low tech solutions
4. They're ranting about cow farts but totally disregarding whale flatulence. Maybe Greenpeace is wrong?
5. They're posting proof of their grueling, ridiculous, volunteer vacations.
6. They STILL THINK plants can talk
7. They're think they're sh!t don't stink.
8. They wrote this book and are promoting it as healthy yet not on any page is there a hamburger.
9. They're using the internet to promote ACID!
10. They're using the internet to flaunt their blatant bicyclism!
11. They have used the power of the internet to design the perfect bong!
12. They use the internet to hone their camouflage skills.
13. They're green car kicks your green car's ass.
    

13 Great Motivational Speeches on Thursday (I Think)

I stumbled onto this brilliant video from overthinkit.com when I was reading my new favorite magazine, Film Drunk. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did and if you don't cry in the end then you're just not spartacus.

13 things you don't want to hear from your daughter's boyfriend

1. How's the weather down there?


2. Sorry about breaking your fingers with my handshake.


3. I was voted most likely.


4. My Dad works in, uh, waste management.


5. Your blog is cute.


6. I bench 300.


7. Here's a hundred--buy yourself something nice.


8. Yeah, the '07 Mazarattis are nice but I prefer the custom '08 model my dad bought me--faster, you know?


9. My parents run a nude beach--we're meeting them for dinner.


10. I'll have her back by eleven. AM.


11. Yes, Ma'am.


12. Wanna see my Elvis impersonation?


13. Dad?
    

13 Things on Thursday to Give Thanks For

1. O. Ba. Ma.


2. Tina Fey


3. Dwight Shroot


4. Robot Chicken


5. Ted Koppel


6. John Stewart


7. Plasma Screens


8. Portal


9. La Bouchon


10. Les Ris en Veau with a nice deep vintage red


11. Mont Blanc pens


12. Blue Chimay


13. Karaoke

13 Back to School Resources!

1. Print your own graph paper.
   
2. Fix your Frikkin Fractions.
3. Long Division Divided into Long Divisions.
4. Quadratic Equation solved before your very eyes.
5. American History Timeline
6. The Best Number Page Ever
7. THE ATLAS OF ANCIENT WARFARE!
8. Learn Any Language!
9. Important List of Mad Scientists.
10. Cheap School Supplies
11. Cell Phone Texting dictionary
12. How to keep your lunch money!
13. Brown Bag Brownie Points!

Thursday's 13 Things: to Think About from The Internet

1. Library of Congress, Print & Photography Flickr Gallery!


2. Original Brochure for Walt Disney World, the Epic Cornerstone of My Youth


3. Mad City Chickens


4. Typography Online gets better and better


5. How to stop believing the news and laugh yourself sick at the same time.


6. See Jesus


7. Bacon-pyrotech-genius.


8. What you DON'T want to see as you go under for a spleen transplant.


9. Why your DSL goes out.


10. Sit your ass on grass.


11. Important: Rambo Death Chart


12. Uh . . .


13. Very, very, very cool glasses.