Urine Trouble

Antique Yellow Fire Hydrant from Stock Photo

My family is different. We live on a different schedule than most families because [My Attorney] is an attorney. I stay at home and cook and clean and yell at the dogs, instead of a mom doing it. A family night consists of us watching Supernatural for three hours or maybe playing a video game. We do a lot of sushi. So it’s no surprise that things go awry on the occasion (hence this blog) and not terribly surprising when, five minutes before school starts, the kid comes out of his room and says: the dogs peed on my shoes.

The kid is growing. He’s almost eyeball to eyeball with me and the other day when I tried to get him to upstairs into the spooky second floor where we store all of our poltergeists and darkness, he flung his arm out to stop me and knocked my 46 year old ass through a window. It was like push, only he was giggling so I couldn’t be mad. We quit charting his growth on the kitchen door frame because we were afraid we’d saw through the joist. His feet are so big, the other day he clipped his toenails and the spent nail flew across the room and broke my collarbone.

SO he walks into this kitchen this morning as I’m scrambling to get out the door and warm up the car and he props a small sport yacht on the counter and says: they pooped on them too.

How and why does a dog drop a deuce on a pair of Nikes? Do they aim? Is it retaliation? Did we do something wrong? Is it dog language that means something, like pardon me, but I’d like a larger water dish, henceforth, my good man, (also: floooooop. There ya go).

I grab my boots, which are slightly oversized, and he plows his gargantuan feet into them and winces and says it’ll be ok, he doesn’t have gym. I tell him, great, get your jacket. He disappears. I hear: they peed on my jacket too.

MERDE!!!

I give him my old man jacket, a slick black windbreaker with an incongruous silver swatch up both sides. He stares at me like I’ve applied lipstick and rouge.

Get your bookbag.

He disappears into his room and suddenly yells something he’s not allowed to say, followed by:

They peed on my bookbag!

I swear to god, I’m having their bladder removed.

DIY—Installing a Pre-Hung Screen Door in 10 Easy Steps.

Death By Children is about more than the nefarious and deadly machinations of our spawn or their efforts to render us twitching and pale from their ongoing appropriation of internet porn slang. It's about a lifestyle, a way of going about your day with a kind of Zen focus, a way of being ever more self sufficient and capable. To that end, we present our ongoing series of Do It Yourself projects.

DIY #002: Pre-hung Screen Door.

Materials:

• Hammer


• Circular Saw


• Gaping hole in back porch


• Broken screen door hanging precariously on one hinge with sharpened metallic edges unspooling into a guantlet of razors


• Plumber's wrench


• Three pocket knives (one non functional)


• Teflon Tape


• Duct tape


• Masking tape


• 7 to 12 screwdrivers of varying types and sizes


• Power drill


• Power drill


• Fairy dust


• Valium

Installation

1. Once you have assembled your materials, turn off the power to the entire house.


2. Look for the new screen door in the basement. Look for new screen door in the pantry. Look for new screen door at the neighbor's house. Check out neighbor's new Jag. Borrow a hammer.


3. Go to hardware store and purchase DIY screen door—81 inches tall, 36 inches wide. Return home.


4. Unpack contents of  DIY screen door. Chase dogs away.


5. Run after dogs and retrieve instructions. Measure doorway.


6. Return to hardware store. Return door for DIY screen door 77 inches by 32 inches. Pay extra for not having all the parts or a receipt.


7. Unpack contents of DIY screen door. Chase dogs away. Lay door out onto picnic table. Lay out all of your tools onto door. Drill 17 1/8 inch holes equal distances between top and bottom of door edge. Remove tools. Turn door over. Repeat. Think for a minute. Turn door over. Swing door around so the top (TOP) is toward the top (TOP) of workbench (PICNIC TABLE). Drill new holes.


8. Attach door edge to door edge. Attempt to attach attached edges to gaping hole's frame using hammer and power drill. Realize door weighs 714 pounds. Drop door on foot. Speak French. Leverage door on packing material until door is aligned with edge of gaping hole. Align alignment hole with 1/8 inch pre-drilled alignment---


9. Drill a 1/8 inch alignment hole into Gaping Hole frame. Return to step 8.


10. Attach DIY screen door to Gaping Hole frame using 34 1/8 inch machine screws, hammer, power drill, plumber's wrench, blow torch, and teflon tape.


11. Remove protective cover from pet entrance flap. Call dogs.


12. Using the Power Drill, remove manufacturer's screws from pet entrance flap. Using pliers, remove pet entrance flap from pet. Using duct tape, #13 jeweler's hammer, and a whistle, reattach pet entrance flap to center of door.


13. Dig through tool box for the hinge and cotter pin for the pneumatic door release arm. Attach to pre-installed door arm bracket and—


14. Remove door. Turn exterior side (EXT) to exterior.


15. Using power drill, salad tongs, a letter opener, and a power drill, reattach DIY screen door to Gaping Hole frame.


16. Read instructions.


17. Follow instructions reading: "Using pliers, move auto lock mechanism to full and fully extend pneumatic door release mechanism," with perfect attention to detail. Attach fully extended pneumatic door release mechanism to door mechanism bracket. Attempt to close door.


18. Apply upper body weight generously against DIY screen door. You should hear a "pop," and a "loud metallic grinding," whereupon your DIY door will drop three inches, slam itself halfway shut, and remain fixed in that position indefinitely.

Why My 11 Year Old Son Thought he Was Locked Out in the Dark.

He was.

But I didn't know. It's not some kind of post-redneck tough love program to rid him of his unnatural fear of life after sundown (He's like a reverse vampire.) He tried the back door for reasons that will never become entirely clear, found it was locked (because of all the 11 year olds) and freaked out. Prudently deciding to alarm us of his presence, he knocked. Loudly. On the window. Which shattered.

Hope that clears that up.