DIY—Installing a Pre-Hung Screen Door in 10 Easy Steps.

Death By Children is about more than the nefarious and deadly machinations of our spawn or their efforts to render us twitching and pale from their ongoing appropriation of internet porn slang. It's about a lifestyle, a way of going about your day with a kind of Zen focus, a way of being ever more self sufficient and capable. To that end, we present our ongoing series of Do It Yourself projects.

DIY #002: Pre-hung Screen Door.

Materials:

• Hammer


• Circular Saw


• Gaping hole in back porch


• Broken screen door hanging precariously on one hinge with sharpened metallic edges unspooling into a guantlet of razors


• Plumber's wrench


• Three pocket knives (one non functional)


• Teflon Tape


• Duct tape


• Masking tape


• 7 to 12 screwdrivers of varying types and sizes


• Power drill


• Power drill


• Fairy dust


• Valium

Installation

1. Once you have assembled your materials, turn off the power to the entire house.


2. Look for the new screen door in the basement. Look for new screen door in the pantry. Look for new screen door at the neighbor's house. Check out neighbor's new Jag. Borrow a hammer.


3. Go to hardware store and purchase DIY screen door—81 inches tall, 36 inches wide. Return home.


4. Unpack contents of  DIY screen door. Chase dogs away.


5. Run after dogs and retrieve instructions. Measure doorway.


6. Return to hardware store. Return door for DIY screen door 77 inches by 32 inches. Pay extra for not having all the parts or a receipt.


7. Unpack contents of DIY screen door. Chase dogs away. Lay door out onto picnic table. Lay out all of your tools onto door. Drill 17 1/8 inch holes equal distances between top and bottom of door edge. Remove tools. Turn door over. Repeat. Think for a minute. Turn door over. Swing door around so the top (TOP) is toward the top (TOP) of workbench (PICNIC TABLE). Drill new holes.


8. Attach door edge to door edge. Attempt to attach attached edges to gaping hole's frame using hammer and power drill. Realize door weighs 714 pounds. Drop door on foot. Speak French. Leverage door on packing material until door is aligned with edge of gaping hole. Align alignment hole with 1/8 inch pre-drilled alignment---


9. Drill a 1/8 inch alignment hole into Gaping Hole frame. Return to step 8.


10. Attach DIY screen door to Gaping Hole frame using 34 1/8 inch machine screws, hammer, power drill, plumber's wrench, blow torch, and teflon tape.


11. Remove protective cover from pet entrance flap. Call dogs.


12. Using the Power Drill, remove manufacturer's screws from pet entrance flap. Using pliers, remove pet entrance flap from pet. Using duct tape, #13 jeweler's hammer, and a whistle, reattach pet entrance flap to center of door.


13. Dig through tool box for the hinge and cotter pin for the pneumatic door release arm. Attach to pre-installed door arm bracket and—


14. Remove door. Turn exterior side (EXT) to exterior.


15. Using power drill, salad tongs, a letter opener, and a power drill, reattach DIY screen door to Gaping Hole frame.


16. Read instructions.


17. Follow instructions reading: "Using pliers, move auto lock mechanism to full and fully extend pneumatic door release mechanism," with perfect attention to detail. Attach fully extended pneumatic door release mechanism to door mechanism bracket. Attempt to close door.


18. Apply upper body weight generously against DIY screen door. You should hear a "pop," and a "loud metallic grinding," whereupon your DIY door will drop three inches, slam itself halfway shut, and remain fixed in that position indefinitely.