The Clash

At the movie theater:

"Why is that guy singing, rock the cat box?"

The Wet Willy Way: NINJA!

Death by Children is committed to supporting only the highest standards in parenting techniques. We are especially devoted to methods of parenting that embody joy, love, and laughter, as well as promoting the idea to every parent that their children are not a burden, but a gift. We also tell fart jokes.

WWW Technique #002: The Ninja

This technique is designed to teach the parent how to reconnect to their children through absurdity and laughter.

Method:

Wait until your kids is sitting quietly, lost in thought, then grab their forearm and loudly scream NINJA!

Why it works

It's funnier than hell. Seriously, nothing's funnier than surprising the crap out of your kids.

It's inclusive: your kids get to ninja you back.

It's ridiculous: it erodes tension and severity with absurdity.

It levels the playing field: Everyone gets really silly and competitive and tries so hard to find that perfect moment when everyone's forgotten about NINJA then yell NINJA!

Try it.

See. It works.

Open Letter from the Dogs

Dear Bipeds;

We are concerned. As practicing members of the canine subculture, we dogs face a constant problem of dehydration. It is vital to us that we are provided with adequate water at all times.

By adequate, we mean, of course, clean. To that point, we need to address certain habits of the uprights that have come to our attention.

Firstly, allow me to say, and I'm speaking for myself and the short one who tries to hump me all the time, we have deep and abiding respect for you and all the two-legs in the house. As you know, we are in the habit of licking you on a fairly regular basis. This is our way of showing you our respect and affection (albeit, we're also checking for pizza crumbs). We are, in the humblest manner, as they say in the street, your dogs (yo).

Secondly, we feel compelled to bring to your attention your usage of the water bowl located in the bathroom. Although you do a remarkable job keeping this bowl full of fresh, clean water, free of debris, and available to us quadrapeds, you also seem to enjoy urinating in it. Regularly.

Suffice it to say, we're displeased. We drink out of that bowl, good sir. We dip our unprotected snouts in that water several times each day and we do so with a certain mindlessness that comes from habitual behavior (I assume you've read Pavlov and Skinner; you know how this works); i.e., we don't check first. We just start lapping and to do so and suddenly realize one of the vertical kind has marked the bowl again is, well, surprising would be diplomatic.

We're not asking for much and we know this is a cultural difference that needs to be addressed with care, but could you possibly start urinating outdoors like a good dog? Peeing in our water bowl is just rude and leads to aggressive behavior (I don't want to sound threatening but have you looked in your shoes today?).

In closing, if you could please find it in your heart to reform this unacceptable habit, we'll stop peeing on the couch.

With warmest regards;

The Dogs.

Or maybe not . . .

[My Attorney] told me in no uncertain terms that Death by Children shall not be terminated. Also, it looks like an independent publisher is very interested in turning it into a book in 2012. So, that whole Aztec end of the world thing was actually all about me.

Here's what will happen: The current stories will disappear and be shuttled off to North Korea where a warehouse full of kidney donors will type paginate them prior to publication.

I will continue to write stories and, according to [My Attorney], I will write even more.

All this despite having a book out on the shelves now that I'm co-marketing with my co-author, co-Dave Haynes; AND despite having just started a new intensive project mentioned earlier (which is already going well).

So don't expect much. I will probably write total crap, first draft level, show gazing crap. But it'll be funny.

Children’s Books for Precocious Youth

I was working on future book projects and came up with these fetching kid's books.

1. Alphabet Cassulet:
   A is for acidophilus
   B is for brachinacea
   C is for contrapuntal
   D is for dipsomaniac
   E is for existentialism


2. My Pet Giant African Land Snail


3. Everybody Poops: Academic Review of Fecal Humor in Early Childhood Educational Literature.


4. Goodnight Bassoon


5. Where the Wild Things Are: Statistical Analysis For Establishing Social Boundaries


6. Why Are You My Mommy?


7. Where the Sidewalk Ends: Jungian Archetypes and the Loss of Urban Micro Social Cultures


8. Spurious George


9. Schrödinger's Cat in the Hat


10. Green Eggs & Ham: Sustainable Agriculture and Carbon Footprint Reduction in Breakfast Food Production Techniques


11. My Two Mommies: An Argument for Human Egg Cloning

Penn and Teller

Guest Post by Kevin Bender

 

One of the best shows to ever been seen on satellite TV from directstartv.com is Penn and Teller's show entitled Bullshit. The title may seem a little profane and some people may not watch it based purely on this, of course that is the intention as typically only open minded people are into this particular program.

Penn and Teller are famous magicians that preform in Las Vegas regularly, but very little magic is in the show. They seek out issues that controversial and seek to prove whether or not something is in fact Bullshit. The aforementioned profane word is used to avoid charges of slander, but really helps to set the mood.

Some of their episodes have gone so far as to prove a deserve array of things such as disproving Fung Suei, which is the art of arranging furniture to increase a room's positive energy. This was easily disproved by hiring three so called experts and having them arrange the same room for optimal positive energy. Seeing each expert arrange the room in stark contrast to one another and provide their own reasoning for it, goes so far as to prove beyond a doubt that this not a legitimate thing.

They have had a variety of different topics on the show and seemingly nothing is off limits. This is why so many people are looking forward to new episodes to come.