The world is not enough--field report

With the assistance of his attorney, my boy pushed the allowance of an x-box on our trip to THE WORLD'S FAVORITE THEME PARK because park hopper passes and wads of cash and total independence AND A FRIEND are just not enough.

At four in the morning on the day of the trip, I haul my carcass out to the rented Tahoe and secure the luggage to the top. Allow me to edumacate you on the dynamics of large scale SUV architecture: if you are, like your humble bloggist, of sub stewardess height, then for the love of god rent something short. I tried to yoga my fat ass into position to load luggage into the luggage bag onto of the three-story SUV. I looked like a junebug trying to doggy style a bowling ball.

The kid comes out dragging a suitcase you could use to smuggle a dwarf and yells at me, at 4:30 in the morning:

"Don't drop this this is very important do not let it fall!"

I swing the thing up and into the nano trunk (nice bailout usage, Chevy).

"What's in it?"

"My Xbox and some towels and a blanket or two)"

It takes up the entire microscopic trunk space. It's so big, Coldwell banker is trying to stake a sign in it.

My attorney arrives, unloads everything I've been loading for two hours, and repacks it using thaumaturgy and science and not only does it all fit, we have room for more. Except the xbox/blanket/towel trunk is repacked into a shopping bag which the boy insists should go on top of all the trunk stuff.

We drive to a Cracker Barrel in Kentucky, open the trunk, and he xbox slams into the asphalt like it was hurled by a trubuchet. There is a sickening crack. We all cringe, anticipating the hurricane of abuse he is about to unload on us .

He picks it all up, tosses it into the trunk like last year's news and shrugs.

"I don't know what the big deal is, I'm gonna be at firkin Disney the whole time."

The World is Not Enough

We're going to visit a major theme park. Its in Florida. Its reach, as a cultural meme, as a historical presence in the global funscape, as a generator of a continent's weight of awkward snapshots with suited mascots, is massive. Incalculable. Leviathanic.

And due to some serendipitous shake, we're able to allow the minions to bring a friend each.

Imagine the insane hella good time they are going to have with prepaid meal cards, passes to all of the various kingdoms of this major theme park, a little pocket change, their BEST FRIEND, and the one thing that really, really matters: a cell phone. They will, essentially, be free to roam.

Here's what the girl asks: does the place we're staying at have a pool?

Here's what the boy asks: can I bring my x-box?

This on the very day he arrives home from a week at computer camp at Northwestern University where he had a room in a greystone frat house with air conditioning and wifi, where he was taught the nuances of building online gaming word maps; this, after a summer of six flags, skateboards, and the Vans Warped Tour; this after we feed him.

Can I bring my x-box?

No, you unabashed, ungrateful little ponce, you may not bring your !@#$%^ X box.

And the Award goes to . . .

I cannot tell you how proud I am to accept the "One Lovely Blog" award from the inestimable Sarah Garb, bloggist extraordinaire over at sarahgarb.com. The cash prize was not terrifically impressive but let's face it, I live for recognition alone.

Top Five Euphemisims for You Know What.

5. I'm dropping the kids off at the pool . . .
4. I gotta manifest some destiny . . .
3. I'm parking a Buick . . .
2. I'm researching dark matter . . .
1. RELEASE THE KRAKEN!