How to Not Get Hired: Part 1

I posted my resume on an online job board because another freelancer convinced me you can get work that way. I haven't gotten a single contract from it but boy if I wanted to go into door-to-door knife sales or insurance franchising, I'm in the money. I don't know if these people can't read or if the job board just doesn't check who's looking at our resumes. So I figured the only thing to do is do what I do best and write back at them. Here's the first one...

Their letter to me:

On Dec 31, 2010, at 2:00 PM, Jennifer Butler wrote:

Dear Christopher,

I’d love to speak with you about your resume.

Despite recent economic conditions, a few industries have experienced success - one of them being the franchise industry.  I have been hired to (hand select) and invite qualified individuals with managerial/leadership backgrounds (to explore franchise opportunities).  Based on your credentials, I feel you may be a good fit.

I work with an enormous network of consultants that represent hundreds of major franchise businesses.  I place qualified individuals in various franchises that fit within the realms of their previous work history and acquired talents ultimately training (and equipping) born entrepreneurs with the necessary tools to take the leap towards owning a business and taking control of their futures.

This is a unique opportunity that would allow you to apply your experience towards a business of your own, increasing your earning potential and allowing you some much deserved flexibility in your career.

Please visit our website at:  www.explorefranchise.com and just take a look around.  Once there, fill out the "Get Started Today" form.  When I receive your information, I’ll give you a call within 48 hours to discuss the next steps.

Best regards,

Jennifer Butler

Franchising Coordinator

jennifer@explorefranchise.com

www.explorefranchise.com

26035 Acero Suite 200

Mission Viejo, California 92691

http://app.streamsend.com/private/PKHj/UYK/dL0tU8T/unsubscribe/13169603

My Response:

Dear Jennifer;

What a fantastic idea. I am totally on board. What I'm most interested in is a franchise involving importation. I think that's a great bet considering the economy and how it looks going forward into the second term of the current GOP.

Specifically, I'm looking at a franchise importing the rare New Guinean Tufted  Ocelot. These are beautiful, naturally miniature versions of the common ocelot we all know and love. They'll fit in the palm of your hand when they're still six months old so importation through standard customs will be no trouble.

My method of importation is highly advanced, yards ahed of that guy from Brazil who stuffed endangered bearded tiger monkeys down his pants and expected to make it through Miami Nat. Classic, right? No, my method involves a certain amount of salesmanship and believe me, I am the right guy for the job.

First, my friend Fiornio who is a "Doctor" in Ecuador, admits me to his specialty oncology lab in Quito. There I am fitted with a full body stasis wrap under which the Ocelots, drugged of course, are packed pretty tight. Fiornio then slaps a couple contagion stickers on a flatbed rig and hooks me up to a fake IV and we get on a direct flight to Homassasa Springs.

Understand I won't have bathed or brushed my teeth for at least three weeks so I'm not what you'd call pleasant. Also, this covers up the natural musk of the Ocelots. The Ocelots themselves will be hibernating due to the massive doses of neambutol administered by Fiornio. If anyone asks, Fiornio will tell them they're tumeritic bulbues and we're on our way to a lab where they'll laser them off for study. If one moves, so much the better. I'm betting no one's going to come close to us.

In Homassassa, we unload with medical priority directly into a waiting ambulance and bingo bango bongo, we're in business. I meet with a couple of dealers I know and unload the product that's still alive (we're working on percentages here--neambutol is pretty strong stuff).

I'm so happy you picked my resume out of the pile you must certainly receive regularly and even happier you saw through my disguise as a"creative writer" right. Whatever.

So, when can we get this shindig started? Soledad's got about 20 cats ready to pop so we're looking at a cool 380 grand here. Can you front the airfare and costume fees as "start up"? I love the franchise cover, by the way. Classic.

Yours;

CG