Open Letter from the Dogs

Dear Bipeds;

We are concerned. As practicing members of the canine subculture, we dogs face a constant problem of dehydration. It is vital to us that we are provided with adequate water at all times.

By adequate, we mean, of course, clean. To that point, we need to address certain habits of the uprights that have come to our attention.

Firstly, allow me to say, and I'm speaking for myself and the short one who tries to hump me all the time, we have deep and abiding respect for you and all the two-legs in the house. As you know, we are in the habit of licking you on a fairly regular basis. This is our way of showing you our respect and affection (albeit, we're also checking for pizza crumbs). We are, in the humblest manner, as they say in the street, your dogs (yo).

Secondly, we feel compelled to bring to your attention your usage of the water bowl located in the bathroom. Although you do a remarkable job keeping this bowl full of fresh, clean water, free of debris, and available to us quadrapeds, you also seem to enjoy urinating in it. Regularly.

Suffice it to say, we're displeased. We drink out of that bowl, good sir. We dip our unprotected snouts in that water several times each day and we do so with a certain mindlessness that comes from habitual behavior (I assume you've read Pavlov and Skinner; you know how this works); i.e., we don't check first. We just start lapping and to do so and suddenly realize one of the vertical kind has marked the bowl again is, well, surprising would be diplomatic.

We're not asking for much and we know this is a cultural difference that needs to be addressed with care, but could you possibly start urinating outdoors like a good dog? Peeing in our water bowl is just rude and leads to aggressive behavior (I don't want to sound threatening but have you looked in your shoes today?).

In closing, if you could please find it in your heart to reform this unacceptable habit, we'll stop peeing on the couch.

With warmest regards;

The Dogs.