How to Pack for Disney

Listen, going to Walt Disney World is like voluntarily attending the Batan Death march. Pack light and prepare for blisters with sisters. Your feet will feel like they'd been hacked off and run over by a truck. Twice.

The average visitor to Disney walks 5 to 7 miles a day. The average visitor stands in line for about three years per ride (less popular rides only take about six months of standing). So figure that an average day at Disney is like hiking uphill barefoot over broken Coke bottles and hot melted plastic carrying your entire family and their respective souvenir lead figurines and signature bricks while a British guy keeps saying "Oy! Mate!" into his cell phone which you can barely hear over his skin as it audibly blisters--for eight years.

There was a point where I just wanted to saw off my legs and turn them in.

I realized that I really needed a handy guide, a quick, bulleted list that I could have used to help me navigate the horizontal Everest that is a day at Walt Disney World.

The Most Important Pre Disney Visit Preparation List In the World!

Pack The Following Indispensable Items:

1. A gas mask: Look, there's usually 17 million people walking around that place, people that spend most of their life eating cheese and beans and carbonated beverages while watching TV or surfing midget-wrestler porn. Suddenly they're walking the length and breadth of WDW in the hot sun and all the occulted gaseous deposits they've been storing up like secret Turkmenistanian nukes is getting dislodged and launched aft, directly across your bow and under your nose. Walking through Disney is like being haunted by an invisible  nose level stratus of ass fog. Every other breath I was punched in the mouth by farts from all over the world. It was EPCOT for ipicac.


2. Corn Starch: If your family is super athletic and skinny you may not need this. But if your family is like everyone else's and at least one or more of you have thighs like hickory trunks, then pack the damn starch. After just a mile or two of trudging up and down the horizontal mountain that is WDW, your average fat kid's inner thighs are gonna look like bright red boxing gloves and they will be walking with the wide open swagger of a gay cowboy. And crying. Keep it in a film canister. Apply liberally throughout the day.


3. Chewing gum: I have kids and they never shut up. At home, I just erupt once an hour and scare the living shit out of them and they simmer down. But I don't want to ruin a Disney trip. Shut them up by gluing their lips together with a big wad of gum. Disney doesn't sell gum because they don't want it getting on people's feet. Bring your own, shut their holes, and prevent yourself from going crazy.


4. Custom Translations: Because Disney is an international hot spot, you'll have the rare opportunity to get pissed off at people from all over the globe. Be a more effective communicator and translate your favorite FU lines into French, Norwegian, and Tajikistan. Here's mine:
   "Excuse me, you cretinous buffoon, but I actually require the tiny space in front of me for breathing so I was wondering if you could remove your unsoaped self from it post haste. Thank you."
   Excusez-moi, vous cretinous bouffon, mais j'ai vraiment besoin de le petit espace en face de moi pour respirer tellement je me demandais si vous pouviez supprimer l'autonomie de votre sans savon il vite. Merci.
   "No, that's actually MY foot. You're supposed to use YOUR feet for walking."
   Hindi, na talagang AKING paa. Ikaw ay para gamitin IYONG paa para sa paglakad.
   "For the last time, I don't work here, I just like to dress like a Pirate some times!"
   Pela última vez, eu não trabalho aqui, eu só quero vestido como um pirata algumas vezes!
   
   
   
   


5. The McCauly Culkin: You're going to get into one of those crowd clogs and wish you had a people plunger to flush everyone through the bathroom passage between Adventureland and Frontierland. Nothing works like McCauly Culkin! Just point over everyone's head, slap your hands to your face a'la that kid from that one movie, and scream OH MY GOD, IT'S MICHAEL JACKSON! Suddenly you'll be standing all by yourself. You must be careful to employ the McCauly Culkin with great skill or you'll be trampled to death.


6. Corn Chowder: Sometimes you just need your space and at Dismal World, you're not going to get any. People are wedged into that place like refugees on a raft. So pack a tiny can of corn chowder. If things get weird, if you find yourself sardined by smelly Norwegians and flotillas of twin baby buggies, just take a swig of chowder and let fly. Really spray it everywhere. Throw some theatrics into it. It's like a bomb--suddenly you have a 50 foot circle of privacy. If they don't get the message, reach down, grab a kernel off your shoe or something and eat it.


7. A White Cane: People all wink and grin and claim if you rent a wheelchair you can get ahead in lines. But wheelchairs are expensive and clunky and in order to sell it, somebody has to push. The truly savvy carry a foldable cane. You'll already have sunglasses so half your disguise is done! The cast at Disney is hip to the wheelchair trick and you most often end up waiting a long time while they let a few hundred people ahead of you to test your patience. They NEVER mess with the blind.  They'll even put a blind guy in front of the wheelchair people. Just remember the rides all have people watching on night-vision video cameras so be sure to Ray Charles yourself a little and point in random directions. At the end, wave at the wall.


8. Food: Disney food sucks. Imagine the least palatable cafeteria gloop you've ever eaten and degrade it enough so it could be used as a torture device at Gitmo and you almost have something disgusting enough for Disney cuisine. If you're bringing kids, then you've got built in pack mules. Clean out their school bags, pack one with food, one with ice and beer, and one with all your extra socks and gel insoles.


9. Extra feet: because you will finally collapse in front of the hat shop across from the Jungle Cruise and begin sawing off your own feet. Everyone does it. You think Disney made that cement brick red? That's dried blood, pilgrim.


10. A taser: sometimes you'll get stuck behind someone who just doesn't understand the urgency you feel in getting through the secret back way from Fantasyland to Tomorrowland and they're creeping along, two twin strollers side by side with grandma in the motorized scooter and nineteen kids walking in a line behind dad who is glued to his blackberry and no matter how hard you try, that narrow gap through their sedentary glurgefest it keeps closing up on you and you're about to 'splode. A deft application of 30,000 volts will usually stop them in their tracks and you can squeeze past them while they try to ressussitate grandma.