We're All Peons Until we Pee On Something We All Pee On

Just a quick note to dog owners out there. Really, a plea. A cry for help.

These qudrepeds I suffer, they are developing a habit I cannot explain. Though they spend a considerable portion of each day barking in the backyard out by the fence where my poor neighbor is just trying to plant some flowers with their snarling biters inches from his face, even though they are coddled and cared for as if they were my own children (maybe better), they still take it upon themselves to make water on my stuff.

It's as if it is a competition for canine promotional items. Like they are going to get a prize, like a customized notepad, for whomever sprinkles my trinkets last and longest.

Last week they peed on a bankers box full of old bills and files. We had to go through the whole thing and salvage what we could (including one of my personalized notepads, drawings and all).

So [My Attorney] decided to buy a carpet cleaner, an upright totally tight version of those retarded red plastic Daleks they rent in the grocery store. She's wanted one forever, thumbing through catalogs, looking them up online, and standing in awe at Bed Bath & Beyond at the rack of highly customized carpet cleaners and steambots that will suck your carpet clean of urine.

She used it while I was at fishcamp and actually called me, she was so excited. "It's so awesome!"

Today [My attorney] jetted off to work and the kids trudged off to school and I walked upstairs to this desk right here where I sit, surrounded by all my paper clips and office supply promotional items and banged my head repeatedly on the wall because the dogs, the stupid, disgusting, hateful, regrettable canines have peed on our carpet cleaner.