1. Aspires to be as swift as a three-toed tree sloth
2. Poops footballs
3. Openly asscrackian
4. Constantly under attack from his own hair
5. Parks his shoes in the foyer instead of the garage where they would fit
6. Watches Intervention and Hoarders like he's taking notes
7. Say what?—chicken butt! joke is turning me psychotic
8. Thinks vegetarianism is all grilled cheese sandwiches and pizza-not actual vegetables
9. Believes the internet is an encyclopedia
10. Thinks he's irish
11. Accomplished Loomer
12. The farting. Must. Stop.
13. Keeps patting me on the head, saying: "you're adorable"
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