Thirteen Things to Consider Before Swimming in the Atlantic During Hurricane Season

1. Those red flags waving furiously in a strong wind from the lifeguard towers that say "DANGEROUS WATERS" on them? Those are for you, fat man.


2. Another word for undertow is water-based shorts removal system.


3. There is no international signal for 'I-Lost-My-Shorts-In-The-Undertow'


4. JELLY FISH! JELLY FISH! JELLY FI—


5. Found my shorts.


6. When re-dressing yourself in the ocean during Hurricane Season, one should, as one drags one's tangled shorts up one's fat torso, check for the next wav–


7. OH GOD! OH GOD! OH BLURB! MAMBLE BRK GURGLE GURGLE GURGLE!!!!!


8. Thank the kind old man walking his dog down the beach for helping you up.


9. Thank the kind old man for pointing out the DANGEROUS WATERS FLAGS.


10. Use a three-fold looped knot to cinch up your shorts again so a wave doesn't–


11. GLURGE!


12. That wasn't so bad. Maybe you should look for waves before you stand u–GLURGE! GLURGE! GLURGE!


13. Order room service, sit in the tub, play Jimmy Buffet songs on your iPod.