Death By Children is about more than the nefarious and deadly machinations of our spawn or their efforts to render us twitching and pale from their ongoing appropriation of internet porn slang. It's about a lifestyle, a way of going about your day with a kind of Zen focus, a way of being ever more self sufficient and capable. To that end, we present our ongoing series of Do It Yourself projects.
DIY #014: The Doorknob.
Materials:
Doorknob.
Door.
Toolbox.
The Internet.
CNN.
Cognac, Cointreau, fresh lemon juice, ice.
73 years
Installation
- Buy a cute Tudor style Chicago bungalow built in 1937.
- Give that killer first floor bedroom with the double windows that would make a most enviable office to your son, the ingrate.
- Make sure the kid develops into a sasquatchian freak of nature who can palm a watermelon at 13 and turns his doorknob with the same delicate grace with which the Titanic rammed that cheeky berg.
- React with thinly veiled debilitating laughter when Sasquatch calls repeatedly "Dad? Dad? DAAAAAAAD? I'M LOCKED IN MY ROOM!"
- Don't worry that answering "What? What was that? I can't hear you, open the door!" is not as funny to him as it is to you.
- Let him out.
- Using a screwdriver and jeweler's hammer, repair doorknob by tightening the 73 year old brass screw holding it together by stripping the threads as if they were cast from old play dough.
- Wait four hours then repeat.
- Wait six hours then repeat.
- Wait nine hours then repeat.
- Using a carpenter's pencil and a torn envelope, write the following excuse for your son's tardiness:
- Using the internet, look up ANTIQUE DOORKNOBS
- Email a link to this alarming porn site to all your bros and, accidentally, your mom.
- Get caught up in the rescue of those Chilean miners.
- Over the span of three days, try to write a really good joke using "chili" "mine shaft" and "mistress"
- Using a meat thermometer and a shoe, rattle the locking mechanism for your son's bedroom door as he yells "I'M GOING TO BE LATE AGAIN!" over and over.
- Repeat #11 and #12.
- Using Duct tape, seal the locking mechanism on your son's bedroom door.
- Watch CNN for six hours.
- Scream at your son to turn down the music or shut the &^%$#@! door!
- Accept his impeccable logic when he screams back, "I WOULD IF YOU'D FIX IT!"
- Using the ingredients listed above, make an absolutely killer Sidecar. Drink.
- Write article about repairing the doorknob.
- Don't repair the doorknob.
To whom it may concern;
Please excuse Connor's tardiness for [date] as he was locked in his room due to a faulty doorknob and my inability to find the pair of pinking shears I've been using for the last three weeks to open his door and let him out.
Okay, here's the problem, one artist and 30 centerpieces for the Florida Democratic Woman's Convention. Dropped a vase in the foyer, cracked fucking tile, the cheap-ass vase was honky-dory, nary a chip. Can you come fix the tile? I'll make you a Sidecar....oh wait....just come have a gink with me! I love you! p.s. you won't be lonely because I have several miscreatants of my own
ReplyDeleteAlthough I am married, [My Attorney] and I have long enjoyed an open relationship when it comes to ginks. So consider your offer accepted. I'm getting on a plane later and I expect when I arrive, you'll have some gink ready for me. Also, what the hell is gink?
ReplyDeleteThanks for your informative post. When my boyfriend and I found ourselves locked inside our 1930 bungalow this morning I was able to convince him to skip straight to the sidecar step, a huge time-saver!
ReplyDelete