How to Stop Yelling at Your Kids

I yell at my kids.

I used to think this was normal. I used to think that, as father, I was entitled to a wider margin for volume, that I was allowed to turn it up to 11, that yelling at my kids was my right.

But one day, one of my kids rolled their eyes while I was yelling something like WHERE IS THE REMOTE! I SWEAR TO GOD I'M PUTTING IT ON A CHAIN! and my daughter asks me the following: how would you react if one of your friends yelled at us like that?

Well, that floored me. Shut me up tight. How would I react? I'd stop them in their tracks. I'd tell them my kids aren't there for them to yell at. I'd ask them, you don't yell at adults like that do you? I'd tell them they'd better behave themselves or . . .

Oh.

She was right. I'd never let another adult yell at them like that. In fact, I'd had to square off with a couple of grown-ups for that very reason, and I told them in no uncertain terms they could yell at my kids or pick up their teeth. So why in the hell do I think it's ok for me?

Well, it's not. It's not ok to yell at your kids. Words are mighty powerful things. To believe they are invisible, puffs of air, and without physical force is to misunderstand language. You don't yell only with words, you yell with your entire body. [pullquote]Imagine a person twice your size leaning over you with a face twisted in anger and threat, body bent with fury, telling you you're an idiot and you'd better not do it again (whatever it was you did, which may not be clear).[/pullquote]You yell with the look on your face. You yell with the words you choose. You yell with your size. You yell with the power of your authority. All of these things come into to play when you yell at your kids. Your yelling is a blunt force that does real, measurable harm.

Imagine a person twice your size leaning over you with a face twisted in anger and threat, body bent with fury, telling you you're an idiot and you'd better not do it again (whatever it was you did, which may not be clear). It's scary.

Of course, not every yell is so dramatic or terrifying. Most times, a parent is yelling as a matter of course and doesn't even think of what they're doing as out of line. They don't think of it as abuse.

But it is.

Think about your job. You're boss doesn't yell at you (much), you don't yell at the copy guy or the UPS guy or your fellow wage slaves. Why? Well, because it's considered unacceptable. You can get fired. And because human resources science has determined that it is an abuse of power and equality.

But here's the thing. People at work are watching you There's a reporting chain. You can get in trouble. But there's no HR at home. There's no one to look at you like you've lost your mind. There's no one to write you up.

This all became suddenly and embarrassingly clear to me when my girl pointed out that I was being a titanic asshole and a hypocrite when I yelled. And it stung me when she called me on it with such precision. I made a promise to stop, right there.

I have not been perfect. I've slipped. I've backslid. But I am on the road to recovery, I am yelling 99 percent less than I ever did before by employing the absurd.

I decided that every time anyone yelled in this house, the person they yelled at gets to call them on it once. If the person yells again, the yellee gets to wet willy them for 5 full seconds. If they yell a third time (in the same day) they get 20 seconds.

This sounds ridiculous, but if you commit to it, it works like magic. If you don't know what a wet willy is, you don't have kids. For your edification:

willy, wet, n, wet wil' li, UK; the action of placing one's index finger into one's mouth then placing it into another person's ear.

It works for a couple of reasons:

1. Because you have decided that you MUST stop yelling at your kids.


2. Because your kids WANT you to stop.


3. Because it defeats self-importance with absurdity and mild embarrassment


4. Because your kids think it's HILARIOUS and will be just waiting for it.


5. Because having your kids stick his spit slick finger in your ear is disgusting and you WILL NOT WANT IT TO HAPPEN TWICE.


6. It teaches you humility.

I promise you it works.  This principal of defeating stupid asshat parenting habits with absurdity is highly effective and can be applied to other bad parenting habits as well. It is, in fact, the founding principal of my own new parenting philosophy, the Wet Willy Way, a new advice series beginning here at Death By Children.

And it's important for another reason: your kids love you. This is true. They want so much for you to be the greatest, most amazing parent ever. By eroding the facade of self-importance and false authority some parents build for themselves, you allow your kids to love you more, to trust you more, to fear you less or, hopefully, not at all. You remove threat from the relationship and trust me, you don't need it. Most importantly, as silly as it sounds, the Wet Willy Way is an invaluable tool—humor—in developing a real, joyous relationship based on trust.

Learn THE WET WILLY WAY