I’m serious. I’ve written about my retarded dog previously but just to refresh: my dog is a tardhound and he ain’t getting any better.
I noticed it when we first got him from a Border Collie rescue mission way out in Idaho. They picked him up on the side of the road and clearly he was busted from square one because his foster masters raised him with cats. When we got him he was house trained and the first time he went out to poop, I noticed that he immediately covered it up. I asked the nice lady who voluntarily drove my dog all the way to Chicago and wouldn’t even accept a tip: “Was he . . . raised by cats?”
“Oh, a lot of puppies do that. He’ll grow out of it.”
He didn't. But that doesn’t make him gay or retarded, just poop finicky.
The retarded part is easily proven by the long list of highly expensive, cherished, or necessary household items he has eaten. Here’s a brief excerpt:
• My cell phone. $125.00
• My daughter’s retainer. $300.00
• My daughter’s replacement retainer. $300.00
• A hand crafted dragon puppet. $120.00
• Half a bag of whiskey-filled smuggled German chocolate truffles: $15.00
• A hand carved hunting horn with my great, great, great uncle Lorenzo Ezekiel Garlington’s initials carved into it that’s been in my family for generations. Priceless.
• An Etch a Sketch
But I can live with (or without) all those things. I got a new cell phone and my daughter’s teeth are fine. What’s bugging me is how the dog is turning into my gay wife.
Maybe it’s because my actual wife, Darth Garlington, isn’t home that much. Maybe Ty sees an opportunity. Maybe he’s just trying to be helpful. I don’t know, but the little bastard’s nagging me all the time and it’s getting on my nerves.
Dog owners, explain this behavior.
He pre-follows me everywhere. He doesn’t walk behind me like a real dog, no. He scampers ahead no matter where I’m going, backwards, staring at me.
I thought at first it might be tracking behavior, maybe a little bloodhound work. But no. The only thing he’s tracking is our relationship.
He putters ahead of me, his eyes all arched and pleading: “Are you going this way? This way? How about over here? See how much we have in common—I know which way you’re going. It's like we're soul mates.”
He comes into whatever room I’m in and instead of lying at my feet with my slippers in his mouth, he stands across the room and stares at me, inching closer and closer, staring: "Is now a good time for petting? How about you pet me now? Now? What about now?"
When I sit down to work, he stands in the middle of the room and glares at me. If I look at him, he’ll take a step toward me then back up, sit down, and obviously look away like he wants me to know he knows I don’t have any time for him but he’s not going to let me know he knows that, no, he wants me to know he’s just perfectly fine. All by himself. Right here. Like three feet from me. Just licking himself, hanging out, don’t mind him. Ladida.
He licks my toes. A lot. I don’t ask him to do this and it just weirds me out. I mean the first time it was cute but now it’s like all the time and he does it while he’s STARING AT ME. I tell him to stop and he steps away then glances back at me like I’ve hurt his feelings. Like he’s saying “You don’t think I'm hot anymore!” It’s just twisted.
And don’t even get me started about his preference for 4th grade boys.
I know a lot of you see a pattern here and you’re thinking a) he needs to pee, or b) he’s lonely and just wants some attention. Well, you’re wrong. That dog spends more time in my lap than I do. And when he jumps up into my lap, he rolls over on his back, completely heels-to-Jesus, shoves his stupid head up under my chin and moans. Tell me that’s not gay!
I had another border collie, Chelsea (R.I.P.), and she did the same kind of things but I chalked it up to her being a bitch and her being 15 years old. Guy dogs aren’t supposed to do that kind of thing, particularly untrained idiotic guy dogs. They’re supposed to lay around and lick dirt. They’re supposed to crap and sleep and when you call them, they walk over and let you pet them on the head for a minute then go back to sleep.
You let a regular dog out into the yard and he’ll walk right past a burglar, a cat, a rabid barking squirrel, and seven pounds of raw steak, just to crap on the sidewalk then lay down in the shade and start snoring. That’s a dog.
My dog leaps into the backyard bark first, his ears all up, prancing—PRANCING!—with his tail in the air like some British office queen shouting “Now just see here, SEE HERE, you scoundrels! Ruffians! I will NOT tolerate your behavior!”
Other dogs walking by are clearly unimpressed, barely managing a canine ‘whatever’ bark. Then he’ll run back over to stare at me. I swear his eyebrows are raised. I swear he’s all middle-management. My dog could work retail. “Can you—did you—Good Lord, the nerve of that mixed breed terrier to just urinate on the fence like it belonged to him.” Stare. Stare. “Well, are you going to call the cops?”
Damn gay dog.
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We should start a support group for the parents of gay pets... my younger cat also -- ahem -- "pees on the other side of the litter box".
ReplyDelete[OVERUSED JOKE ALERT]
NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT.
I just get mildly uncomfortable when nighttime is spent with him under the covers sleeping by my crotch.
And sniffing.
EXTENSIVELY SNIFFING.
[Squirm.]
Does he decorate?
ReplyDeleteOur late Golden Bodie was odd too. He was attached to my hubby much the way this dog of yours is attached to you!
ReplyDeleteBodie had a sick and twisted fetish of licking my husbands feet too. He would do it for 30 minutes or more, if I could stand that sloppy sound. No joke... he could do it forever.
While I don't think Bodie was gay.. he was definitely attached to hubs and HAD to please him in every way... like a good butler.
Oh the joys;
ReplyDeleteHe does decorate. Yesterday he decorated my laundry pile; the day before that he decorated the floor in the back room; last week he decorated all over my son's favorite blanket then all over the replacement blanket. Yeah, he decorates.
Your dog ignores you too?!
ReplyDeleteI call it getting 'The Betty' from my girlie dog who still hasn't realized that after seven years you are supposed to mellow out.
Imagine being ignored plus the occasional (or constant) grumbles of an irritated schnauzer.
And I own two.
Puppy Love,
Ally
Funny stuff
ReplyDeleteI can explain the pre-emptive border collie behavior! Its called "heading". BC's are usually headers and heelers are exactly what they sound like.When herding, one dog takes "point" and is the header, he heads them in the right direction. Heelers stay on the stocks heels. I have both, and X's of the two. Imagine having five of them doing this to you as your walking down the steps with two loads of laundry in your arms... dangerous I tell you, absalutely dangerous!
ReplyDeletesween, I also have a gay cat box wizzer...what to do about THAT????
I'm sensing that the weekly challenge on Indie Bloggers may have been inspired by your desire to shave down your dog. . .
ReplyDeleteWelcome to the wonderful world of herding dogs! Mine are all like that, even the girl.
ReplyDeleteClassic post -- I can't stop laughing!
Well, that's the thing about border collies. They tend to bond to just one person (guess who that is), and they require /tons/ of attention and excercise. Maybe you should have thought before you got such a high maintenance dog.
ReplyDeleteAnd he's probably not gay; like I said, you're just His Person.
Oh God. My mother used to babysit these kids (a 4 year old and a 1 year old), and their parents owned a boxer. That dog would pre-follow me (like yours does to you) and if I sat on the couch, that behemoth would bounce like a kangaroo and smack me in the breast. And if you're female, that's the most sensitive spot on earth.
ReplyDeleteThe reason why your current border collie and also your previous border collie follows you around is because that breed is bred to bond with their owners. They are bred to HERD. This means that they are NOT house dogs and need to be extensively exercised several times a day. They are known to chase smaller children (like the 4th grader you mentioned) because border collies HERD. Border collies are also extremely smart. They will bug you forever and chew everything you own until you exercise/work them in the way they were BRED to be used for. Your dog is not gay. His only problems are that his current owner is ignorant of the most common characteristics of his dog's breed, and that this same owner is criticizing an animal that's supposed to be treated like a member of the family.
ReplyDeleteGood Lord, did you not get the whole THIS IS A HUMOR BLOG THING? And Ty doesn't heard diddly squat. He's HUMPING THE CHILDREN. Not herding. He doesn't chew anything anymore since I filed his teeth down. That is a great method for saving on costs of cell phones and tasers, I tell you. FILE THEM DOWN! Of course, I have to feed him really, really soft food. Oh well, sacrifices must be made. Especially by us ignorant dog owners who take on border collies then chain them to the wall in the bathroom in the dark and never walk them. God we are such snotgarglers! I hate we!
ReplyDeleteDork. I run this dog so much sometimes he just flops down in the dirt and stares at me. And he doesn't herd (did I say this?). I doubt he's a pure border collie and there's no way to know. People see a very happy black & white dog with a Collie-esque snout and proclaim it a border collie. He's just a BC-essque mutt who is VERY VERY lucky to have an owner so ignorant that he CONSISTENTLY cooks too much bacon for breakfast just so the dog gets some and when he goes to McDonalds he orders a cheeseburger for the dog. You've never seen a dog grin until he's wolfed down a cheese burger.
the poop covering up thing? my dog does that. and then he waits for my other dog to finish and then he covers his up too.
ReplyDeleteMy Border Collie, Tinkerbell, does many of the things that you mention, including the pre-emptive barking as she leaps down the stairs to the yard at the farm. It doesn't matter that the lab (Daisy) and the Bernese Mountain Dog (Jasper) both look at her as though she's insane, she still barks.
ReplyDeleteAt home, though, she's generally content to be a couch potato (either on my lap or at my feet) for most of the day, saving up her energy for our 3-4 km evening walk (for me - much longer for her if I take a ball). She loves to round up the chickens and herd them back to the coop in the evening.
She doesn't cover her poop, but continues to move around, checking out the robins and chickadees (might need to herd them) the whole time. She can gnaw through a retriever roll (rawhide roll) in an hour, but mostly leaves my stuff alone now.
I love my BC!
Thanks, Susan!
ReplyDeleteWhat would be really weird would be if your BC covered up the horses' poop. Well, maybe that would be a good thing . . .