have a glitch. Call it "Freddy Murcury Tourette's Syndrome." Whenever my kids say something ironic and ludicrous, I instantly sing it in a sanguine falsetto similar to that of the dearly departed operatic rock singer.
The supper table is ripe ground for these non sequiturs. Like today. Roon is chewing and suddenly his eyes light up and he swallows hard like he's about to tell us something that happened at school that was just outstanding and he blurts out: "Today I farted in the Jesus movie . . ."
Lots of people think farts are funny but you can find lots of funny stuff online besides funny sound effects. There are plenty of funny quotes on the web though if you'd just prefer to read jokes rather than a funny quote you can definitely find those too.
Now, a real parent would shush the kid or wash his mouth out with soap. But not me. No, I immediately sang his exact words in full Freddy Murcury falsetto, sounding vaguely like some forgotten Kansas b-side: "Today I farted in the Jesus movie . . ."
That, by itself, is probably ok. I mean, we're weird but it's only in our own house. We're functioning weird. However, it's when I propogate the weirdness that trouble ensues. A few minutes of silent chewing go by, the table is quiet, and Connor lets out a soft: "Today I farted in the Jesus movie . . ." Three minutes later he does it again. Then ten minutes. Then again. Now he's giggling because it's a catchy little ditty and it's stuck in his head as deep as "My Humps" or "I Like Big Butts" ever was and every couple of minutes it recycles and without warning: "Today I farted in the Jesus movie . . ."
This is why my wife's family remains suspicious of me to this day. Connor goes to Catholic School, the kind where they still have nuns who still wear their habits and I know, I KNOW, this kid's gonna be sitting in Tuesday mass while their heads are bowed in reverence and Fr. McCarthy is going to open the bible and like a ray of glorious light, my son's choirboy falsetto will pierce the silence: "Today I farted in the Jesus movie . . ."
I have a habit of walking through a bookstore reading the backs of books out loud in "overly-dramatic movie preview guy" voice. I can't count the number of strange looks I have gotten and now my 9 year old brother has picked up the habit. My mom is very proud of us.
ReplyDeleteYes, your children will do weird funny things. This is GOOD. Much better than the status quo.
ReplyDeleteEven in the classroom, I have to try really, really hard to put on the "teacher look" when the kids do something funny...
Oh. Dear. Lord.
ReplyDeleteI think I am married to your long lost brother. You don't happen to come from a large mormon family from which you are the black sheep?
Too bad he didn't marry a super-smart scientist/lawyer wife, though. He is just stuck with me.
Functionally weird--so there is a phrase that properly describes my family!
ReplyDeleteYou mention in another post, "Barking Spiders"...my 5 year old daughter, having heard that phrase from my husband, turned to me all proud of herself, and said, "You don't have barking spiders, mom--you have barking butterflies!"
Yup--functionally weird...but thriving despite it!
Naturally, you meant to type "Freddie Mercury Tourette's," didn't you? Of course you did.
ReplyDeleteNow you can see that I have my own specialized disorder, known as Proofreading OCD. Please to forgive.
Why is it that kids never repeat the good stuff over and over. The "Do unto others..." sayings or Confucius philosophies? I guess if it doesn't involve farts or butts, it isn't as fun to say.
ReplyDeleteAs a father of 2 younger boys, I sure have a lot to look forward to when they become older. Just this past fall on a day trip to Milwaukee, my 2 1/2 year old son decided to announce to the whole Eduardo's Pizza restaurant that he farted. I smiled with pride!
ReplyDeleteYou're invited to dinner at my house any time, Freddy.
ReplyDeleteI stumbled upon your blog today and have never read anything so clever or witty in my life. I was actually laughing out loud and had to wipe away tears. This particular blog post was of special interest to me as my children also go to a private Catholic school and my 9 year old daughter told me last night (at the dinner table) that she farted at the pep rally - and it started an onslaught of her friends trying to do the same. Lovely. My daughter is the muse for a 4th grade butt symphony.
ReplyDeleteYour dinner table conversation reminds me of our own.
I will continue to read your blog......
Don't have a blog you can read in return, but I can be found at myspace/missbliss65
My s/o and I read this post and laughed together. As two sing-songers ourselves, we can appreciate passing this skill on to the next generation. Good job, dad!
ReplyDeleteYou made me LOL when you commented on my site that I made you "shoot milk out your nose." So I had to stop by.
ReplyDeleteThanks for returning the favor. I just shot coffee out of mine.
The nice thing about kids is, you can act as bizarre as you like in public, and people just assume it's for their amusement. Little do they know I would sing random words and phrases long before the Lads arrived.
ReplyDelete