The manchild is sick. I knew it was gonna be bad when he turned to me last night to ask for more ravioli and an alien gave birth through his nostril. Well, tried to give birth. Mostly just the gall tinted mucal sack was distended to just rest, quivering, on his upper lip while I prayed to God it wouldn't pop and splatter my face with alien egg sack acid.
The alien gave birth late last night, consuming my son, replacing him with a snot gargling hack hyena banging on the bathroom door because after just one application he's addicted to Alka Seltzer nightime gel tablets and, dude, he needs a fix. Now. While I'm in the shower. That way he can be in the right "mood" while he watches Blades of Glory for the seventh time.
I hate when the kids are sick because inevitably it leads to horfing and horfing leads to more horfing which leads to more horfing. I shouldn't worry because my boy horfs with the cool precision of an insecure collegiate cheerleader. He has, however developed big-baby-man-itis and I'm starting to develop sick-of-your-whining-itis and I think we're headed for a breakdown.
a snot gargling hack hyena
ReplyDelete*closes eyes*
Yeah, I've seen a few of those animals pass through the house. But now I know what they're called.
OMG I needed that so very, very much. Thank you, you genius writer-man. OK, that's a little much, I know... but gosh...
ReplyDeleteI linked horfing and I too experienced that sort of horrific dousing by my middle daughter. Our petite, blue-eyed, duck-fuzz-headed baby girl belched like a sailor then she'd project a steaming stream of Yummy goodness 20 feet across the room. The cool thing about that trick was the way she could hit a target. Actually, her dad and I could hit the target by aiming the baby - you know, at the door, at the fridge, at each other. After we learned the trick of "aiming the babe", the mess and constant clean up was a lot more tolerable. We'd hear the belch and come running with a towel or three. Ahhh. The good old days, huh?
Now I look forward to abusing alka seltzer with the rest of you. Gotta run. Some one's blowing snot bubbles.
chick magnet my ass ;)
ReplyDelete-The Management
The best one at my house was when Kiddo, age six at the time, was eating cereal and then out of no where went "aaauuuuugghhhh!" and started to gag.
ReplyDeleteHis Dad picked him up by the shoulders and instead of taking 2 STEPS to the kitchen sink, he raced the Kiddo to the bathroom on the other side of the house - horf spewed all the way. We had to get rid of our living room area rug.
Yeah. I feel ya.