The Wet Willy Method To Stop Yelling at Your Kids, Wife, and Dog.

here was this one time, I was coming home from picking up the kids and they were in the van with me and I was yelling to Rah to put her bookbag on the middle seat and she was trying but she couldn't and I wigged out. I mean I just went wacko. I screamed at her and said some pretty crazy things and threated to stop the van and let her walk home. Just another normal day.

Yes, I am super dad.

That was a long time ago and I've done some serious, intense, hard work since then and I only scream till my face turns purple a couple of times a month now. I consider it a real triumph and I owe it all to my Patented Wet Willy Anger Management Program.

First, some definitions:

Wet Willy wet WIL li; (n) Brit. The act of inserting one's index finger into one's mouth, thereby getting it coated in spit, then inserting spittle slicked finger into either ear of an unsuspecting colleague; disgusting.

Anger Management ANGER FRIKKING MAAAAAAN IDGE MUNT, YOU CRETINOUS BUFFOO--(ahem); (n) The art of containing one's significant temper so that it doesn't cause one to develop ulcers and hypertension or cause one's immediate family to set one on fire and bury one in the forest preserve in the dead of night.

Being that nearly 12 years ago My Attorney got me drunk and took advantage of me, I am the father of an eleven year old psychopath. He Googles pranks, ghosts, backward masking, pokemon hacks, and all things Sasquatch. Somewhere out there on the internet, he learned what a wet willy was and subsequently learned that the application of a wet willy on his dad will cause his dad to do an arcane, rare tarantulla and scream.

After about three days of guerrilla wet willying me, I finally threatened to kill him with sufficient gravitas to make him believe me and he slowed it down--a little.

In the meantime, my battle with voracious satanic possession was edging closer and closer to victory until just before Christmas when My Attorney told me she was worried I was going to get mad during the Holidays and screw them all up. So did my son. So did my daughter. I'm pretty sure the dog was worried too.

Anger management is not an easy job. Nobody stops themselves from getting mad. A quick trip down the Dan Ryan with anyone will prove that. Our behavior when we are mad, however, is entirely under our control. Entirely. I don't know what happens to some of us but for one reason or another, some people seem to give themselves permission to be titanic screamy nimrods. Maybe it's a hormonal thing, ADD, or a stressful job. Something becomes the bright, shiny, needle sharp straw that sends them over the edge of the watefall and they scream all the way down. Then it's three days of I'm sorries. A lot of people spend a lot of money on therapy, dope, bio-feedback devices, acupuncture . . .

I have a foolproof method. Works for the whole family.

Presenting Death By Children's Patented Infallible Anger Management Methode d' Willy Wetted

1. Decide as a family that you all are psycho nutjob tension junkies and need to stop.
2. Propose that none of you shall lose your temper from this moment hence, else:
3. The person to whom you lose your temper gets to give you a DOUBLE WET WILLY for a full five seconds and you have to take it, immediately, with good cheer and humble regard.
4. Should you lose your temper again in the same day, the offended party is granted permission to resume the aforementioned moistened william for TEN seconds. Next time 20, etc. You get the idea.

This works. I live in ABJECT TERROR of losing my temper now. The boy child has gone so far as to threaten to pour coke on my laptop (its so shiny . . .) trying to get me to blow up but no way. I've seen where that kid sticks his fingers; I've had to pry his digits out of various peurilities--I'm cured.